Carousel
by paranoid woman
Summary: Donna is convinced that she doesn't deserve to have a good life but Spike will help her to give herself a second chance. Donna/Spike, rated K .


**Title:** Carousel (10 drabbles)  
**Word Count:** 2x100 + 3x200 + 3x400 + 2x500 (total: 3,000)  
**Characters:** Donna, Spike.  
**Rating:** T.  
**Spoilers:** None.  
**Warnings:** None.  
**Summary:** Donna is convinced that she doesn't deserve to have a good life but people will help her to give herself a second chance.  
**Written for:** flashpoint_sru, prompts #22 Time, #6 Shelter, #8 Chance, #20 Target, #9 Sorrow, #13 Strength, #3 Family, #11 Forgiveness, weekend prompt: scars.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Flashpoint.  
**Beta:** The awesome lillyg.

**CAROUSEL**

**(1) Carousel (#22 Time****)**

Her job wouldn't get any easier over time, Ed had said once. Donna hadn't answered. Her worst fear had become true.

Now, after new situations that had taken her breath away, she'd found a surprise on her way back home. A memory that she didn't try to push away, unlike every other. This one didn't bring nightmares to her sleep; this one brought joy to her heart.

"Donna, hey!" a familiar voice called, and Donna recognize one of her colleagues from the SRU walking towards her with his backpack on his back.

"Hi, Spike…"

"What are you doing here?" he asked, beckoning the carousel that was spinning around in front of them, full of children with their families. Their laughs and the circus music in the background were everywhere.

"I used to come here when I was a child… I passed by on my way home and… well…"

"It's a very nice place," Spike commented and he sat down on the bench, beside her, admiring the carousel with bright eyes. "Definitely magical… Have you chosen what animal you're going to ride?"

"It's been like twenty years since I did that for the last time."

"Time doesn't change everything, Donna. I think our inner child lives forever. We just manage to get distracted. Maybe if you decided to give it a try…"

"It's for children."

"So? It's not like we don't see parents or older people having fun with it. I ride ponies with my nephew every time we go out."

Donna snorted at the way Spike was glowing at the idea. "Nice routine."

"He likes it… I know some people think it's silly, but it's a good way to spend time with the family." As he spoke, his tone had been getting lower, as if she'd made him feel embarrassed.

It was her turn to cheer him up. "You know what? I think it's great."

"You do?" he asked, frowning.

"Yeah, you find a way to forget about the bad stuff that happens at work and be free for a few minutes… I wish I could do that." If she could just forget about her job every once in a while, maybe she could find her long lost balance…

Spike startled her when he jumped off the bench. "You can! Let's go, right now!"

"Go where?" The image of Spike signaling the shiny carousel gave her the answer. "What? No, I won't."

"C'mon, ponies are fun! I can ride next to you," Spike insisted. He didn't seem to want to give up. "You can pick a zebra, or even a deer…"

It was better to stop those crazy suggestions before they went out of control. Donna couldn't allow herself to do something as silly as having fun with a friend in front of a group of children. Something told her she didn't deserve that much happiness.

"I… I've got things to do, thank you for keeping me company, Spike," she muttered and then she escaped without feeling guilty at all.

**(2) Breakfast and a cat (#6 Shelter****)**

Bed was a good place to work. All Donna needed was her laptop and she was ready to process all the information available on the Internet for her.

Kidnappings. Murders. Missing people. Pedophiles. Rapists. Her fingers barely touched the keys as they pressed them with incredible speed. Her eyes were fixed on the screen, going over the paragraphs of the articles, devouring them eagerly.

And then the clock made a sound. Six o'clock. It was time to get up and it seemed that the night had passed by in only five minutes.

Donna caught a moving, dark figure getting closer and smiled. "Hey, sweetie…" she told her cat Glock as she caressed his head. "Had a good night sleep?" After getting up, she let him in a basket near her bed.

The bathroom was kind of cold, or maybe it seemed so because her feet were only covered by a pair of socks. She didn't like pajamas; she preferred t-shirts and sleeping pants. Tired, she looked at herself in the mirror and saw the terrible effects of a sleepless night. She had bags under her eyes and her hair was a mess. For a second, she had a flash of herself staring at the description of a particularly horrifying homicide.

She brushed her teeth, took a shower and got into some comfortable clothes. She hated suits and she could have never been a business women. Helping others, working for a cause - that was what she was meant to be.

And yet, as she had breakfast with her pet Glock, she felt something was missing. She'd brought her laptop to the table and was now revising some of the cases she'd eagerly goggled last night. She was glad she'd been alone for a few years now. No one complained or disturbed her if she wanted to stay up late feeding her brain with scary news. This was her place, her stuff, her decisions. Having this kind of shelter was better than having none.

But there was a thought that always made Donna wonder if it was all worth it. Sometimes she missed her old mate, the man that had made her believe she could have a normal life while following her dreams. Looking around her apartment, she realized every morning that besides work, this was all she had.

Breakfast and a cat.

**(3) I****n the Background (#8 Chance)**

Why had Donna walked out on him? Why hadn't she wanted to enjoy one of her childhood memories, the carousel? Spike was using the chest press at the empty gym. He was alone with his own thoughts. And then…

"Hey, Spike," Donna's voice said.

She approached him and stood by the chest press. As a sign of respect, he wouldn't ask any of the questions that had been bugging him all night. "Oh, hey, Donna. What's up?" he asked as he kept working out.

"I wanted to apologize for freaking out like that yesterday…"

"I rode a couple of horses, so no biggie." Spike was glad the joke was appropriate, since Donna laughed and stood by the machine.

"I guess I can't get over this job and the things I've done already. I'm supposed to be here to help, not to pull the trigger…"

"And you're doing exactly that, Donna. I mean it. I work in the background most of the times, no wires or bombs, just me and the computer… I notice these things. You're doing a great job."

She sounded frustrated when she talked. "I'm not the team anymore, Spike. Things change."

"But some don't. Like this, see? We aren't in the same team and yet we're still friends, right?" Proving that point was pretty important to Spike.

"Right."

"There's nothing you have to worry about. Background guy's word."

She stepped away from the chest press. "Okay, I'll take your word on that… And just for the record, you're a key element of team one. You're not in the background."

It was nice to hear that. "Thanks… And here we thought we could play some pranks on you when you joined the team…"

"Pranks? Like what?"

"I don't know, like… putting chili peppers in your smoothie or something…"

"Chili peppers in my smoothie?" she repeated, dumbfounded. "Ah… I wonder who came up with that one."

Dangerous territory. Better to stand back for now…

"Couldn't really tell. We were all kind of brainstorming there. So what were you going to do?"

"Trying out the simulator."

Seeing her shoot targets would be pure entertainment. "You think you'll be able to hit the score?"

"You think you'd been able to slide those chili peppers without me noticing?"

Busted. Strategy? Honesty. The truth.

"I was hopeful?" he confessed.

"Well, I'm sure I'm going to kick ass… and I could use an operator."

**(4) On Fire (#20 Target****)**

"Ten shots, Ten targets…" Spike's fingers danced over the keyboard, looking forward what he was sure would be one of the best performances at the simulator. "Are you…"

"Armed and ready! Give me what you've got!" Donna assured him, already in position and holding her gun tight, as well as her night vision goggles.

"All right!" Spike laughed, and he chose a high difficulty level routine. "This is gonna be good."

She responded, "You bet" and the first target came in.

Six bad guys, two grandmas, one kid and one pregnant lady. Eleven great, accurate shots. As Spike had predicted, Donna was kicking ass in there, while looking absolutely fierce. She was exactly the kind of cop the SRU needed – strong, confident, focused.

"Wow! You're on fire, woman!" he cheered when the routine was finished and Donna had lowered her gun.

"More like too caffeinated."

"You'll get a detox as soon and a hot shower as soon as you come out…"

"A hot shower?"

Spike turned around, frowning. By the door, Wordy winked at him and smiled. Yeah, like that was what Spike needed right now. "Yeah, she's exhausted. We've been working out, so I thought…"

"Cool." His face didn't look just 'cool,' it actually looked excited.

"Okay… Wordy, why are you looking at me like that? You don't think…" As Spike talked, Wordy folded his arms like he wasn't moving until the other man confessed. "No. Donna's just a friend. Plus, I'm dating someone. She's not even my type."

Wordy snorted and laughed. "I didn't know you had a type."

What, wasn't Spike allowed to have one? "Well, surprise. I do."

"I'm just saying…"

"No, you're making assumptions."

"If you say so..." Leaving the issue hanging in the air, Wordy disappeared behind one door, and suddenly Donna came in through the other one.

"Assumptions about what?" she asked, running one hand over her sweaty forehead.

"What? Ah… Assumptions about… Never mind, it was crazy. I'm hungry. Wanna grab a bite?"

"Thanks, but I think I'm gonna head home. I'm really tired. Bed sounds great right now. Is that okay?"

"Sure, no problem! See you tomorrow if you pass by."

"I'll see what I can do. Night, Spike!"

"Night!" Spike responded as she walked towards the door. Taking a deep breath, he looked at the computer and turned off the simulation program.

Donna and him. Please. Never going to happen.

**(5) Voice Mail (#9 Sorrow****)**

Her cat Glock wasn't in the mood to play that night. He didn't rub against Donna's legs, he just curled in his basket. Very late, with a hot cup of tea in her hands, she walked over to the answer machine. A well-known number appeared on the tiny screen. Touched, she pressed the button and got ready to hear the calm voice of the person who always brought peace and love into her life…

"Donna, I…" A sigh. "I'm afraid I've got… bad news…"

She heard the entire message. The machine made a beep.

The cup fell from her hands.

**(6)**** Young and Wild (#6 Shelter)**

The next morning, Spike spent most of his time looking for Donna. She seemed to have vanished from the station or at least from all the places he was at. But there! Finally, he spotted her at the briefing room, going through the classic negotiation techniques manual.

He didn't hesitate to came in and call her name. "Hey, Donna, are you okay?"

Her eyes immediately found him. "Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, you've been avoiding me all morning. Did I do or say something wrong?"

"No, I've just had a rough night," she explained. "I found that my ex husband had an accident a couple of weeks ago and just got out of the hospital. His wife and kids are dead."

That was some horrible news. Spike sat at the table, deeply worried. "Man… I'm sorry."

"I used to visit him a long time ago but then our lives got busy and we ended up talking over the phone every once in a while. Her new wife didn't want me around anyway."

"Can I ask why you guys got divorced?"

"Sure… We were nineteen when we got married. We were too young, too wild, and definitely too stupid. Then we grew up and decided it'd been a huge mistake, so we took our separate ways. There were no kids in the middle, so it wasn't a big deal."

"So no hard feelings…"

"Absolutely," Donna assured him. "Anyway, by that time I'd already started training to join the Police force, so I wouldn't have been able to sustain a marriage."

"But you kept dating."

"Not really. I like not depending on anyone… Although I gotta admit the apartment looks kind of big for only one person sometimes…" Donna laughed nervously and ran one hand over her hair. "Am I talking too much? I took a couple of pills to get my nerves under control so…"

"It's okay. I like knowing more about you."

"Even if I sound like a bitter, old lady?"

That wasn't the image Spike had of her at all. "Nah… more like the good person I know you are," he responded, catching a little smile spreading across her lips. "Are you going to see him?"

"Well, he's leaving Toronto and moving to his brother's house. I think it's going to be good for him."

"Then go and tell him goodbye. He'd like that."

"I'm not sure… Tom has been my shelter for like ten years and I don't know what I can do to help…"

"Yes, you do. You can be his shelter right now." Spike didn't know where those words had come from. All he knew was that he wanted to be there for Donna. She was listening to him now; she was considering his suggestion. "And when you're back and feel better, I'll have a present for you."

"A present."

"Yeah… Everyone likes them, right? You go, I give you a present."

She didn't seem to be very sure about it, but supported the idea. "Okay."

**(7****) Meant to Be (#13 Strength)**

The hardest part of picking a gift for someone was matching the person's character. In this case, Donna's style. The style of a woman who blamed herself for her choices and didn't allow herself to smile at the goodness of the world.

She deserved to let herself be, to forgive herself. And because of that, there had to be a perfect present for her.

Spike saw it in little store, as if it'd been waiting for him to find it. His eyes sparkled at the sight of it –meaningful, cherishable- reminding him that some things were just meant to be.

**(8)**** A Second Chance (#3 Family)**

Sad goodbyes at train stations belonged to movies but this was real life and it was even more heart-breaking.

Tom was staying by the dusty railroad in his same old, comfortable clothes, and soon it'd be time for him to go. "I've already sent the rest of my stuff to my brother… Thank you for coming… I…" he muttered, and all of a sudden he broke, pulling Donna into a hug. "My children are dead … My children…" he cried as she held him tight. She was out of breath, speechless. His breath was warm against her neck, making her feel at home. "You can be better," he suddenly whispered into her ear, his tears falling onto her jacket. "Do it for me…"

"Do… what?"

"Find someone who truly loves you… Have a family of your own…" he asked her. "You deserve it, Donna."

"But…"

"Allow yourself to be happy… as happy as I was."

"Tom…"

The train arrived. He started moving and only waved her goodbye. There were no more words of support.

It was all noisy around, people here and there, screaming, and she covered her ears… until Tom disappeared and with his departure, all of Donna's happiness.

**(9) Hold me when I ****fall (weekend prompt: scars)**

Work wasn't enough to stop the memories.

Donna stood in front of the mirror at the locker room and waited for a miracle that would never come. She'd lost Tom and Tom was broken. Everything else could very much go to hell.

She punched her reflection and hurt her hand. She didn't mind the blood; all she wanted was to recover what she had with Tom, to feel safe and at home again, but she knew it'd never happen.

Throwing her own things off the sink, she started crying. Destroying whatever was on her way seemed like a pretty good option right now.

But someone appeared at the door, someone who'd given her good advice and encouraged her to move on and accept herself. Someone who saw her there, took her away from the broken mirror and caught her when she fell. Donna never let anyone see her in her worst moment but she was grateful this man was there to take away the pain.

He was asking what had happened with Tom at the train station.

All she did was surrender. Tom's words got stuck in Donna's mouth and they were replaced the warm embrace of a true friend.

**(10) The Spirit ****of a Child (#11 Forgiveness)**

Spike's presence had started to erase the pain. He'd walked her home. She'd insisted on being alone and he hadn't insisted.

Fifteen minutes later, Donna was seated on the same bench, at the same park she'd been two evenings ago… The carousel spinning, the music filling the air… Children's laughter was calling her.

Tom had said it, Spike had repeated it… she had to give herself second chances, let herself be without regrets and shadows of her past.

Work, death and sorrow weren't everything. It was time to open a new window and take a shot at living that thing called life.

One long, deep breath and Donna found herself walking towards the game, and soon she was riding a horse along with the children, smiling at them, talking to them and their parents, enjoying herself.

From the distance, she saw a package on her bench. Momentarily leaving the innocent laughter that brought joy to her heart, she went to open her present.

It was a tiny snow globe with a little carousel inside.

Donna smiled; Spike was there, somewhere, watching.

_We all have an inner child inside of us_, he'd said... and the spirit of a child never died.

**The End.**

**XxX**


End file.
